Things Left Unsaid
by bucktooth22
Summary: Castiel goes to find Dean. To save Dean. To love Dean. Spoilers for season 10 towards the end of the season. Destiel oneshot


Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural

"You have to find him Cas." Sam had said with big sad eyes. They held more than just sadness but that was the major emption behind them. Cas knew he had to find Dean. He just didn't know if Dean wanted to be found, especially by him. Or if he wanted to find Dean, especially in the state he was in. But then he saw Dean kill that boy, the one begging for life, promising the world and looking nothing less than innocent. And Dean had shot him in the head. That's when Cas knew Dean needed to be found.

"Dean." His voice was soft. Softer it should have been. But this was Dean, and Cas knew he could not be anything less than soft.

"Leave me alone." Dean barked.

"No." Cas's voice was now firm. Not the softness he'd used so many times before but now the determined voice of someone unwilling to waver. "Let me tell you why?" He forced a mixture of the two. It was not an offer but it was not a demand either. Dean's eyes were as sharp as daggers as their shot to him, angry and frustrated.

"Leave me alone Cas. You and Sammy need to stay out of my way." Dean snarled. Cas would have said that he knew that wasn't what Dean wanted. Cas would have said that Dean's use of Sammy instead of Sam was Dean's way of calling out for help. Cas would have said that Dean asking for them to stay out of his way was him trying to protect them. But instead he said none of those things. He stepped towards Dean, so many things on his tongue. Instead, he felt himself soften.

"I'm sorry for all of the things that have happened to you Dean." Cas said looking at Dean's eyes. Not the black eyes of a demon or the blue eyes of an angel but the perfect shade of green that seemed only to suit him.

"Cas, you better back off or you're going to end up like that kid." Dean warned. He seemed to tense like a cornered animal rising its hackles.

"He didn't have to die Dean." Cas said looking at the boy's body sadly.

"You're right. But I did have to kill him." Dean said, his grip flexing on the pearl handle of his gun.

"We can help you." Cas said taking another step forward. He meant I can help you. He meant I love you. He meant let's run away together.

"Fix me?" Dean spat viciously.

"Please let me help you Dean." Cas said as his heart ached. No Dean. He ached to say. You were never broken. He yearned to express. If only you could see the Dean Winchester I see. He longed to put forth. "Because this path you're on is leading you to become a demon again and then when everyone else is dead I'll be the one left. The one left who has to kill you. And I can't do that Dean. So I'll have to watch you destroy the world." Cas said. He left out the fact that he could never kill Dean because he loved him too much. Even seeing his soul in the warped state of a demon he would love him. Even seeing him in the self destructive state he was in now he loved him. He would always love him.

"You and Sam stay away from me." Dean said finally as he made towards the door.

"I can't let you leave." Cas said stepping between Dean and his determined path. I can't let you leave me.

"Back off." Dean growled warningly. When Cas didn't move the fight began. No weapons, even though they were there for the taking. No, fight means it was two sided, Cas could never fight back, would never fight back. Not against Dean. Even in this state Cas saw the Dean he knew and loved under the surface. And as bloody as Dean made him he would not let Dean go. Even after getting his ass handed to him, when Dean turned to leave, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean.

"Let me help." Cas murmured. Let me love you. Dean said nothing as he threw Cas against various objects and wailed on him until pulling Cas's angel blade out and hovering, just before the final blow. Cas wasn't sure if this was how he wanted to die. Of all people to die beside he knew he'd always choose Dean. But as he looked up at Dean, patiently waiting for death he thought of all the things he'd left unsaid. Every time he spoke there were a million things he'd rather say. Every time he looked at Dean there were a million words he'd like to use. But instead he'd just apologize. I'm sorry Dean. I'm sorry all this has happened to you. You don't deserve this. All the bad will never outweigh the good done to you. All the good you've done will never justify the bad done to you. But as I feel the warmth of blood you've drawn from my body I know if I am to die, I want to be with you. Even if you're the one who kills me. As long as my last sight is you. As long as my last thought is of you. As long as you are by my side. "Dean-"

Dean roared and stabbed the book next to Cas's head before stalking off with one last warning to stay away. Cas stared at the blade for a long time. Thinking, maybe that was Dean's way of saying he couldn't kill him either. Maybe Dean had left things unsaid too.

* * *

When he finally got up and the blood returned to his head he had a million more things to say. I love you Dean. And I know you don't think anyone can love the real you unconditionally but I do. I've seen everything, and I love you. I've seen it when you go beyond anything anyone would ever do for family. And I saw you destroy yourself for others you don't even know. And I know that now that you're the one who needs saving you're pushing everyone away to keep them safe. Because you are a hero. You have always been a hero. And even if your dirty and broken and covered in blood to the point where no one can tell if it's yours or not, I will love you. And I can watch you destroy the world piece by piece and I will never stop loving you. And you can tell everyone you're beyond saving and you can tell me to stop following you but I will never stop because I love you.

This too was left unsaid as Cas opened his broken wings and forced them to carry him onward. Forward. Always closer to Dean. But with every flap and every step and every reach he made to be closer to Dean it seemed that Dean would take two steps back. Always out of reach. Always just beyond Cas's fingertips. But then as he soared over the area around the bunker he spotted a car. And he knew in it was Dean. And he followed because he would never leave Dean. And that night, when Dean stopped at a motel he snuck inside and watched over Dean while he slept. And when Dean woke there was Cas. And once again there were those angry piercing stares that shot daggers at Cas's heart.

"I told you to leave me alone." Dean snarled.

"Dean, let me show you something." Cas's voice was resigned, nearly defeated but not yet there. He would never be defeated when it came to Dean. And as he took a step closer Dean tensed and took one step back. Their little dance, always out of reach. But Cas continued, two fingers extended, reaching for Dean's temple. And when Dean swat his hand away he knew Dean would never consent to the memories Cas was trying to share. So instead he sat down on the bed, looking up at Dean with patient eyes. "You cannot get rid of me." Cas said smiling. He knew he probably looked horrible; he'd had no time to heal from his "fight" with Dean.

"Clearly." Dean grumbled sitting next to Cas.

"Dean, let me-"

"I don't need help. Just shut up. Just be quiet and I'll let you stay." Dean snapped. Let me help you. Let me love you. Let me show you all the things I wanted to say. Let me share all the things I wanted to share. Let me end this dance of ours. But, as usual, Cas stayed silent. A fire burned inside him, a need to talk to Dean, to make sure Dean knew he was loved. And every time Cas had stayed silent it grew. And now it was threatening to consume him.

"For once Dean, I refuse to stay silent." Cas said firmly looking at Dean who looked surprised and angry. "Because you need to know that you are loved. Dean Winchester you are going down a path that will end with you becoming a demon and even then I will love you. I have loved, do love, and will love you forever. I have looked into the past and seen into the future and I loved you back then and will love you forever. And I need you to know that. And I know sometimes you don't want to be found or helped or saved but know that I will always find you and I will always help you and I will always save you because I love you. And I don't care if you hate me for it because I can live with that. As long as you know that you are loved." Cas said, his eyes shut and his hands clenched.

"Cas-"

"I have had so many things to say, but no words to express them and no courage to voice them so I have remained silent but no more. I will say I love you until others get tired of hearing it and then I will say it again because I know you will never tire of it. I will say it until others think it's lost its meaning and then I'll say it more because you will know I mean it from the bottom of my heart." Cas said.

"Shut up." Dean's voice was not sharp or mean or rough or angry. It was just soft. Like he was amused but still too sad to smile. "I think I love you too." Dean said softly. "And it's gone unsaid for too damn long."


End file.
